d1 Master of Ceremonies
Welcome.
Welcome everyone who is here for the awards for the best weapons exporters for 2018.
Some deluded people call us merchants of death but we see ourselves more positively. After all, we facilitated the rubblelisation of the Middle East and now the construction or reconstruction industry. We provided the impetus for the manufacturing of prostheses to replace lost arms and legs. Isn’t all this positive??
We have raided budgets needed for ephemeral things like health and the environment in order to pay for weapons so more people can be killed and maimed. We are good friends to the funeral industry and cemetery expansionism.
d2 Master of ceremonies
These and many other achievements of the arms industry are being celebrated today and it is my great pleasure to introduce to you Madame ???, who comes to us with a background in weapons manufacture, who will present the awards.
d3 Madame ??
Thankyou.
It is my pleasure today to first award ribbons to the three people whose countries have shown their unparalleled efforts in becoming the leading merchants of death on our planet.
Number 1 – and coming in first for the 95th year , way ahead of all other contenders – is the United States of America represented by President Trump.
Always good to have you along as you produce more than all the rest put together! Good onya Donald!
Number 2 is the United Kingdom Please come forward Prime Minister Theresa May.
Number 3 is Russia and I am delighted to present this ribbon to President Vladimir Putin.
d4 Madame ??
The star of our event today is Christopher Pyne! From Australia! the Australian Minister for Defence Industry.
Australia wins our inaugural award for the most improved merchant of death and destruction, making a stunning improvement from 20th in the world to 10th.
Just imagine people laying bleeding in the Middle East or some poor country in Africa, saying to themselves how great they feel to have been struck by Australian bullets and bombs, weapons from the home of koalas and kangaroos.
Australia doesn’t care about the finer things — it knows where to make a killing. Yes they provide $3.8 billion to subsidise more weapons manufacture. What dedication!
And here’s the man who made it all possible. This
man among men, this splendid specimen with the compassion for humanity of the average blowfly, another John Howard man of steel and no sense. It is CHRISTOPHER PYNE OF AUSTRALIA who wins the MIMOD medal.
d5 Madame ??
It gives me great pleasure to award the 2018 Medal for the Most Improved Merchant of Death to Christopher Pyne!
d6 Christopher Pyne
First of all I’d like to thank my generous sponsors – Lockheed Martin, Raytheon, BA Systems, Northropp Grumann (anyone I’ve forgotten?) Oh yes Thales and Boeing – without whom my party would be short of the funds we need to keep us in government.
Next I’d like to thank the Australian public for silently acquiescing in the current, global build-up of armaments. Well done, Australia, your apathy is surpassed by none! Another world first! Also thanks for remaining inert in the face of the increasing likelihood of another major conflict flaring up.
And, of course, another major conflict is what we all hope to see. For what could be better for our economy than the huge surge in demand for weaponry that war always brings. All of us in the top strata of society can profit directly from escalating wars – and right now we see a great business opportunity, an opportunity for Australia to make a killing in the field of … er … killing.
We are certain that we can make the world a better place by producing and selling more and more items that have the sole purpose of destruction. The destruction of infrastructure is a sure stimulus for economic growth – look at what we did in Iraq. The destruction of life and creation of waves of refugees a sure stimulus for the medical and migration industries. Whichever way you look at it, we’ll be better off. So I say, we’ll encourage perpetual war – just as long as it keeps us rich, which I anticipate will be forever.
As you know, we are pumping millions of your, the Australian taxpayer’s, dollars into promoting the production and sale of ‘high-end’ military equipment. Equipment that will help regimes such as the one in Saudi Arabia keep themselves safe from all those who disagree with it, such the Yemeni people, who we all know must be terrorists, so should be killed off – preferably with Australian-made bullets and bombs.
So come on down to Pyney’s WarHouse. Get the Sales Catalog. And next year, who knows, you too could receive this most prestigious of awards. I am very happy to accept the award for Most Improved Merchant of Death and will wear it with pride.
I’m reminded of the words of Dr Martin Luther King, who described the United States as the Greatest Purveyor of Violence the world has ever seen – and I would say, look out USA, Australia is right behind you, following in your footsteps – and we’ll take that title from you if possibly can!
d7 Master of Ceremonies
That is the end of this ceremony today to present these prestigious awards. Thankyou to the winners and to all of you who came today.